Coping with Chaos in the White House
A
few days ago, I wrote a post for my Facebook friends about my personal
experience with narcissistic personality disorder and how I view the
president elect as a result. Unexpectedly, the post traveled widely, and
it became clear that many people are struggling with how to understand
and deal with this kind of behavior in a position of power. Although
several writers, including a few professionals, have publicly offered
their thoughts on a diagnosis, I am not a professional and this is not a
diagnosis. My post is not intended to persuade anyone or provide a
comprehensive description of NPD. I am speaking purely from decades of
dealing with NPD and sharing strategies that were helpful for me in
coping and predicting behavior. The text below is adapted from my
original Facebook post.
I
want to talk a little about narcissistic personality disorder. I’ve
unfortunately had a great deal of experience with it, and I’m feeling
badly for those of you who are trying to grapple with it for the first
time because of our president-elect, who almost certainly suffers from
it or a similar disorder. If I am correct, it has some very particular
implications for the office. Here are a few things to keep in mind:
1)
It’s not curable and it’s barely treatable. He is who he is. There is
no getting better, or learning, or adapting. He’s not going to “rise to
the occasion” for more than maybe a couple hours. So just put that out
of your mind.
2)
He will say whatever feels most comfortable or good to him at any given
time. He will lie a lot, and say totally different things to different
people. Stop being surprised by this. While it’s important to pretend
“good faith” and remind him of promises, as Bernie Sanders and others are doing,
that’s for his supporters, so *they* can see the inconsistency as it
comes. He won’t care. So if you’re trying to reconcile or analyze his
words, don’t. It’s 100% not worth your time. Only pay attention to and
address his actions.
3)
You can influence him by making him feel good. There are already people
like Bannon who appear ready to use him for their own ends. The GOP is
excited to try. Watch them, not him. President Obama, in his wisdom, may
be treating him well in hopes of influencing him and averting the
worst. If he gets enough accolades for better behavior, he might
continue to try it. But don’t count on it.
4)
Entitlement is a key aspect of the disorder. As we are already seeing,
he will likely not observe traditional boundaries of the office. He has
already stated that rules don’t apply to him.
This particular attribute has huge implications for the presidency and
it will be important for everyone who can to hold him to the same
standards as previous presidents.
5)
We should expect that he only cares about himself and those he views as
extensions of himself, like his children. (People with NPD often can’t
understand others as fully human or distinct.) He desires accumulation
of wealth and power because it fills a hole. (Melania is probably an
acquired item, not an extension.) He will have no qualms *at all* about
stealing everything he can from the country, and he’ll be happy to help
others do so, if they make him feel good. He won’t view it as stealing
but rather as something he’s entitled to do. This is likely the only
thing he will intentionally accomplish.
6)
It’s very, very confusing for non-disordered people to experience a
disordered person with NPD. While often intelligent, charismatic and
charming, they do not reliably observe social conventions or demonstrate
basic human empathy. It’s very common for non-disordered people to
lower their own expectations and try to normalize the behavior. DO NOT
DO THIS AND DO NOT ALLOW OTHERS, ESPECIALLY THE MEDIA, TO DO THIS. If
you start to feel foggy or unclear about this, step away until you
recalibrate.
7)
People with NPD often recruit helpers, referred to in the literature as
“enablers” when they allow or cover for bad behavior and “flying
monkeys” when they perpetrate bad behavior on behalf of the narcissist.
Although it’s easiest to prey on malicious people, good and vulnerable
people can be unwittingly recruited. It will be important to support
good people around him if and when they attempt to stay clear or break
away.
8)
People with NPD often foster competition for sport in people they
control. Expect lots of chaos, firings and recriminations. He will
probably behave worst toward those closest to him, but that doesn’t mean
(obviously) that his actions won’t have consequences for the rest of
us. He will punish enemies. He may start out, as he has with the NYT,
with a confusing combination of punishing/rewarding, which is a classic
abuse tactic for control. If you see your media cooperating or
facilitating this behavior for rewards, call them on it.
9)
Gaslighting — where someone tries to convince you that the reality
you’ve experienced isn’t true — is real and torturous. He will gaslight,
his followers will gaslight. Many of our politicians and media figures
already gaslight, so it will be hard to distinguish his amplified
version from what has already been normalized. Learn the signs and find
ways to stay focused on what you know to be true. Note: it is typically
not helpful to argue with people who are attempting to gaslight. You
will only confuse yourself. Just walk away.
10)
Whenever possible, do not focus on the narcissist or give him
attention. Unfortunately we can’t and shouldn’t ignore the president,
but don’t circulate his tweets or laugh at him — you are enabling him
and getting his word out. (I’ve done this, of course, we all have… just
try to be aware.) Pay attention to your own emotions: do you sort of
enjoy his clowning? do you enjoy the outrage? is this kind of fun and
dramatic, in a sick way? You are adding to his energy. Focus on what you
can change and how you can resist, where you are. We are all called to be leaders now, in the absence of leadership.
